Being sad is not a failure
I had forgotten that suffering could be meaningful.
I became a woman in this mediocre world where God has been pushed aside. When I was a little girl, i was brought to church every Sunday by my parents. I would sing the songs of prayer and feel my bones resonate with the voices of my neighbours. My life as a child was all about having a precious soul that i was responsible for. It was a very different world, back then! I felt like I was growing up under the eyes of this loving God, who cared deeply about the choices I made and the sanctity of my conscience.
I became a wife, a mom and a doctor.
Years of medical schooling made me shy away from the idea of an eternal soul, and all I was left with as a scientist and a woman was a life that looked like a bank account of days to spend on earth, chasing after whatever goal i could make up as a willful but meaningless clump of cells.
Well, that didn't work out for me. I barely survived.
Years later, God found me again, terrified, in hiding, crying endlessly about the absurd and sacrilegious forced injections and public muzzling of His children. He hugged me, reminding me that He is the way, the truth and the life. A kind old priest raised his hand over my tears and said that not only did God forgive me, He was also taking my burden upon His shoulders.
I still suffer deeply and cry daily about the corruption and demise of so many things i held dear in my life... but no, i am not depressed.
I am simply scrutinizing reality, and it is a very sad and very lonely thing to do, these days. Fortunately, God lets me rejoice daily through it all. My kids are a constant reminder of His beauty and His strength. When God blesses a soul with His love, suffering is not a failure anymore.
A crying soul is still an eternal blessing, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
So, thanks but no thanks. I don't want SSRI's. I am slowly working my way to salvation. I will suffer through this terrifying shit for as long as I can. I pray to God so that my uncertain steps and my small fights keep me close to His heart for one more day, every day.
Please, pray for me too.
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